BATS FLAP

This video was taken on August 21 in Miag-ao, Iloilo while we were on our way to the city.  I had no idea what triggered the bats to hover around, but one thing's for sure, this surelay was AMAZING!

My Old Familiar SELF

When I was seven, I nearly stabbed my Mom with a knife because she did not want to take me with her to the hospital.  When I was seven, I tried breaking my father's motorcycle because he would not take me to the town with him. When I was a child, I wanted all of them to be dead.  All these thoughts and actions happened out of the emotions--anger, hate, resentment--which surged out because of unexplained reasons. Just  because I felt like it.  Because by doing that, I would be satiated.  Needless to say, my family considered me the black sheep. One simple reprimand would break me into tears and tantrums. I was a handful.  Much worst, my sexual urges developed when I was still very little.  I had my first experience at the age of six. 

 As I grew older, I have become self-effacing, trying to conceal myself to the whole world, repressing my emotions, out of fear anyone who discovers the real me would shudder at my laconic demeanor.  For almost twenty two years, I tried to live a very normal life. A life people want me to live, things people want me to achieve. But deep inside, there is a child who seriously needs help. Acceptance. A child who manages to control himself despite doubts and fears. A child who tries to understand himself despite the darkness that adumbrates his psyche.

Growing into maturity has been a wayward journey, an unending quest for answers. I turned to religion. I turned to magic. I turned to arts, which greatly plays an important role in understanding my self more. Without poetry, without music, without painting, I could have drowned myself into the pit of despair. I could have killed myself sundry times already.  And still, from time to time, the nightmare from my childhood keeps haunting me--the surge of emotions, the mood swings, the self-effacement--they are all coming back to me now, as the popular song goes.  

When I turned 29 last week, something had triggered this nightmare to return.  And again, this unexplained feeling that the world is turning against me, even my closest friends. There was this urge to hate everybody, to shut myself from the world, to let the world come into my control. I had been down in the dumps, and I was happy for a second, and at the end of the day, everything was just so crazy.   If this is what growing old means, then I will not have it for the world. Not ever. But I cannot stop myself from growing old and along with the growth entails, well. depression. 

Just to let everyone know, whether they care about it or not, I have a bipolar tendency. In layman's Hiligaynon term, "katok." There are deep reasons behind this display of disorder. I don't want people to understand me, and I'm not even apologizing.  Let me be.  I just want an assurance that despite all these, I have someone to turn to.  I have been dealing with this for a very long time.  I guess, being 29, I could handle myself better. There is still the child who still needs help. 

I have been taking BP self-tests and the results are quite alarming.  I am trying to deny it, but looking back, it would not be a surprise that I'm suffering from that disorder.  The tests though do not affirm my condition but they will serve as bases for psychological help.  But deep inside, I am really praying that this is just a phase that I could overcome. Because this is something not to be proud of.

D Story of As (Series Piction in Many Farts)

Part I: Mheg

Mheg

Nagaragitnit ang mga kawayan kag nagapanihol ang hangin halin sa banglid kang Lungon Lungon.  Sa dalum kang mabugnaw nga landong kang puno ka lumboy, nagaisaranhun nga nagapiyangkaan si Mheg samtang ginalibot ang anang panuruk sa duag berde nga patag nga indi sarang masukol kang anang mga mata. Gintugyan ni Mheg sa hangin ang pagpalid kang anang lagtum nga buhok.  Tuman ka baskug kang dapya sa babaw kang Lungon Lungon.  Daw kapay run nga nagatabon sa lupa ang nagkarataktak nga mga dahon kang lumboy. 

Bisan pa makanay ang palibot kang banglid, wara it sudlan ang pagkatublag ni Mheg.  Sangka semana run halin nga naglayas tana sa andang balay kag  nagtawas kay Miguel sa baryo Casay.  Kinahanglan ni Mheg ang space kag oras agud magpalagyo sa tanan nga mga nagatambak na nga ulubrahun bilang Chair kang Tourism Department sa sangka unibersidad sa Iloilo.  Bisan gid man tuod nga tiyempo kang tag-irinit, saku pa gihapon ang anang paagto-pabalik sa unibersidad agud mag-asikaso kang clearance kag pag-attend kang mga seminars nga ginapangayo kang Human Resource Department kag Office of the Academic Affairs.  Sa tunga kadya daw indi run gid tana kaginhawa kag kinanlan na kang paraliw-asan.  Amo nga paghagad kana kag anang bestfriend nga si Miguel nga magbakasyon sa Casay, wara gid nagpangduha duha si Mheg nga magtawas.  Gintago na kay Miguel nga bisan ang pamilya na wara kamaan kon diin tana.  Si Miguel lang gid ang nakamaan, ugaring  likom sa anang abyan ang tuod nga rason kon andut nagtawas tana kadya. 

Nakabati si Mheg kang pagkirinulas marapit sa ginasandigan na nga lumboy.  Sa anang pagbalikid, nakita na nga nagapasulong si Miguel nga may dara nga alat. May mga sulud dya nga mga chicherias. Nagyuhum-yuhum si Mheg hay gindar-an tana kang Pringles.  Man-an na ang paborito ko ba, hambal na sa kaugalingun samtang ginalantaw si Miguel nga nagaparapit kana. Nami ang yuhum kang anang abyan kag nagapamaypay pa dya kana.  Nagpiyangkaan man dya sa tupad na kag nagsandig sa puno.  Gindawu na ang alat kay Mheg. Sa pagbaton ni Mheg kang alat, dayon nanda turukay sa makadali.  Nag-igham si Miguel kang ginliso ang turuk sa patag. 

“Kamusta?” pamangkot ni Miguel.

Mahinay nga nagkadlaw si Mheg. Dayon na hipus kag ginhawa it madalum.  “I’m not sure.”  Ginbuksan na ang Pringles.

“Sus.” Nagkuot si Miguel kang sambilog nga potato chip. “Mga one week ka naman di.  Wala mo namiss ang family mo?”

Yam-id lang ang sabat ni Mheg.  Nag-ulung ulung si Miguel.

“Funny no? Asta subong, wala ka man gihapon ti may nasugid sa akon.”

Nag-atubang si Mheg kay Miguel kag mahinay nga gintapik ang abaga sini. “Ay, abi ko indi ko run kinanlan magsugid para maman-an mo ang tanan.”

“Well, budlay basahun ang ginapensar kag ginabatyag kang mga babayi.”

Nagharakhak si Mheg. Halin sa pag-abot nanda nga darwa sa Casay, amo pa lang nakita ni Miguel ang matam-is kag makaralaton nga karadlawun ni Mheg. Nagdungan man kadlaw si Miguel.

“Andut ginpasugtan mo ako nga mag-upod sa imo?” pamangkot ni Mheg.

“Well, hambal mo, you need a break.”

“Sobra na ko di one week. Wala ka bala nagatingala?”

Nagtindug si Miguel kag gulpi lang nagtumbo agud lab-uton ang sanga kang lumboy.  Dayon dya nagpabitin-bitin nga daw amo.

“I’d like to think nga naga-enjoy ka di sa amon so ginpabay-an ta na lang ka.  Pero I know deep inside, may rason kon ngaa indi mo pa gusto nga magpuli kag atubangan ang kung ano man ang nagatublag sa imo sa city.”

Nagtindug naman si Mheg kag gulpi lang nagdalagan paagto sa binit kang pil-as. Nagbuhi sa sanga kang lumboy si Miguel agud lagsun kag hawidan si Mheg. Sang makalab-ot sa binit kang pil-as ginpunggan tana ni Mheg. “Daw buang sa imo.  What do you think you’re doing?” nagahapo-hapo nga pamangkot ni Miguel.

“Say, kon pasugtan ko ang lawas ko nga maglumpat sa pil-as nga ini, I’m pretty sure, matapos na ang tanan tanan.  Malimtan ang tanan tanan. Ang kakapoy. Ang katublag. Ang kahadlok. Ang kasakit.”

“Mheg, please. Indi ina manami nga joke. Lum-ok ang lupa dira,” pakitluoy ni Miguel.  Amat amat na nga gin-untay ang anang butkon agud idawu kay Mheg.

Padayon nga ginaturuk ni Mheg ang mahawa nga idalum ang banglid.  Daw baba dya kang higante nga sawa nga nagahulat agud lamunon tana.  Nagginhawa dya ka madalum kag nag-atubang kag Miguel.  “Gusto mo mabal-an ang kamatuoran?”

Nagtango si Miguel.

“Ginapirit ako ni daddy nga pakaslan ko ang akon nobyo.  It’s been settled.  Sa June. Kag wala ako ti may mahimo.”

“Mheg?”

“May naluyagan ako nga iban.  And I just wished nga wala ini natabo. I’m doomed, Mig… I’m doomed.”

Ginpalapitan ni Miguel ang abyan kag ginhakos it hugut.  Gin-alalayan na dya parayu sa pil-as pabalik sa idalum kang lumboy.  Ginpahidan ni Miguel kang anang mga tudlo ang luha ni Mheg.  Nagturukay sanda nga darwa it malawig. Kon man-an mo lang, Mig… kon man-an mo lang…

Colours

It's been five years since our teacher in World Literature discussed this poem, and until now, it still hits me everytime I read this. Sad, profound...

This is me singing Tifanny's Radio Romance. I have no idea how old I was when my family recorded this, but by the sound of it, I think, I was like four of five years old. I thank my cousin for preserving this treasure which might be the key to my singing stardom. I'm 28 now.LOL.

THE LESSON OF A LOST LIBRO

At some point in our lives, we all lost something - we lost a book, we lost a friend, we lost one member of our family, we lost everything we consider essential.  loss brings forth sorrow, it even causes pain and worry.  because when we lost what’s important to us, we fear that we might not be able to see or find it again.  but to some people, loss is not the end.  it may even be the start of something new.  loss can give meaning to their lives.  like a drought before the rain pours in, loss gives them hope, that what has been taken away will be recovered.  and when that happens, one gives a promise in exchange for that hope.  s/he will leave everything to chance, because, despite the fear and worry, what has lost will find its way back to him/her.  when it returns, s/he will discover that life is all but written on the sand, that the world is created not by chance, but by purpose.  and that book, or a thing lost will teach him more about life, him/herself, and the meaning of loss.

bitter musing

tonight i tread

with sadness along the shore,

and let the moon cast

her light upon the memories

buried in my footprints

how soon the waves

race toward my feet,

his splash soothes my skin

and comforts my soul

who longs for a heart

amid the island's subterfuge.