I Remember (a snippet from my journal)

I remember. Today I shall remember.  I remember when I brought my students to Urdaneta Hall and lectured about Greek columns.  I remember laughing with my friends which I didn't know what we were laughing about.  I remember sitting in Sir Sid's Poetry class.I remember crying over a gay novel.  I remember attending my class early morning and it was fun.  I remember laughing and enjoying my Arts Appreciation class no matter how handful my students were.  I remember going to the library and searched for Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther and luckily found it.  I remember teaching my students how to doodle.  I remember posting my doodle art in FB and Tumblr and received good comments for it.  I remember how to appreciate things and the impossibility of events.I remember teaching creative writing and it was a dream come true.  I remember enjoying life by drinking coffee at Coffeebreak with Joven every 2pm.I remember the smiles and the greetings of my students.  I remember how my MA3-1 class sang me Happy Birthday although it was late. I remember staying in the faculty room though I didn't feel like it.  I remember how I fetched and handed Cara the jacket despite  the rain and the flood.  I remember the Mirror Poetry Guild sessions at Cocoon and Appetite. I remember when my dormmate Dean left the dorm after five years of staying there.  I remember sleeping alone.  I remember... saying my crush's name and it felt good.  I remember AU and I wished I was her boyfriend. I remember thinking about her whenever I close my eyes. I remember how my heart beat faster when I saw her along the Blanco Hall corridor and we said "hi" to each other. I remember R. when he asked me how much do I earn as a teacher. I remember being in love with I don't know who. I remember dreaming that I killed J.  I remember going to the beach.  I remember going to the beach with my father just before I knew he has tuberculosis.  I remember eating the whole day.  I remember how it is to live. I remember hating God for letting Ma'am Amor die.  I remember when I suffered from hemorrhoids and it felt painful.  I remember going to the Booksale almost everyday.  I remember when my Mama bought me a bookshelf.  I remember receiving a text from R. saying how sorry he was.  I remember R. waiting for me for hours and I didn't know why he did that.  I remember how we exchanged posts in Twitter.  I remember when I lost my trust in him for some unknown reason.  I remember someone telling me R. is gay and I was not shocked at all.  I remember having dinner with R. and how comfortable it was talking to him.  I remember telling him to stay away from me.  I remember noticing his glance whenever our paths meet but I ignore him already.  I remember how my friends hated him.  I remember how he tried to explain but I shut him off.  I remember that feeling which I tried to forget but I couldn't. I remember when everything was still okay.  I remember hating him to the core.  I remember how he might have hated me as well.  I remember that I have great friends around and my family who doesn't know what I've been through.  I remember my sorry childhood.  I remember going to that creepy old hut and something terrifying happened.  I remember everything that happened inside the hut.  I remember writing. I remember AU.  I remember her smiles, her Chinese eyes.  I remember the guilt when I think of her night and day.  I remember the reason why I did that to R. and I wish I could tell him straight to his face.  I remember the mountain we used to climb when we were kids.  I remember going there.  I remember the good times.  I remember IYAS workshop. I remember getting drunk but not wasted.  I remember places.  I remember.  I remember now.